My Unsolicited Advice ~ Maria Syed

The sin of asking for help!

Why do some people hesitate asking for help like it’s a cardinal sin?

It made me cry when I thought of my Mother, always so strong, so resilient, showcasing her self-sufficiency. I had always admired her as a Super Woman.

Only to realize later that she has an aversion to asking for help, even when suffering!

A lot of people, like my mother, endure in silence. Masking their sufferings and miseries under the guise of strength and resilience.

When offered a hand, their classic response is somewhat like “No thanks”, “I can handle this” or “don’t bother”.

At first, it baffled me! Why not just ask?

I would’ve loved to help her. People at large love to help. It makes them feel good about themselves.

Then I took a breath and began to ponder. As a student of Psychology I felt compelled to dig deeper into the matter and find some answers!

And the answers I found, through my research, are more heartbreaking than satisfying.

Thus, it is crucial for me to spread awareness.

 

  1. The psychology of tapered attachment:

The aversion to seeking help is not just a random stubbornness. It’s a hidden defense mechanism rooted deep in a person’s psyche.

There is an actual study on this…

In his Attachment theory, John Bowlby explains that this hyper-independence  usually stems from childhood. When a primary caregiver regularly discourages or punishes a child’s natural need for support and attachment, the child develops a compulsive self-reliance. This is a defense mechanism to avoid the pain of disappointment and rejection. Bowlby called this style of attachment as Avoidant Attachment.The sin of asking for help!

 

The seed of avoiding support gets planted in childhood.

Imagine a child crying and nagging for attention gets repelled by silence or even worse, a harsh remark like “you’re being too much”.

They eventually stop asking!

A child who is less needy and more responsible gets rewarded more. They are called mature and easy, which in turn reinforces the behavior.

When an individual grows up in an environment where their needs are demoralized, they develop a compulsive self-reliant personality. Little do they realize that it is in fact a survival strategy.

2. Some people do it to earn their place:

Some individuals have unresolved trust issues embedded underneath all the “I’m reliable” “I can handle it alone” personality.

They find it hard to believe that people would still like them as it is if they appear as needful.

And so, they begin giving help. Endlessly.

Somewhere along the way, they learnt that giving is a proof of worth. “They believe that if I’m useful enough, needed enough, reliable enough- then I have a place here. Then I’m not a burden”. ~ Nishi, Medium

This also works as a coping mechanism to make up for their unmet needs.

3. And for some it’s a matter of self-esteem:

If you have decided that you are an “independent” person who is also self-reliant then asking for a hand would appear to be a direct threat to your self-esteem.

A small call for favor would feel like a poking a hole in your identity bubble.

And you find yourself standing amidst an identity-crisis!

The irony is that such individuals would rather crawl back to their comfort zone, where they’d prefer to burn themselves out instead of seeking help!

 

 

Whatever may be the reason…

A person, a human just like you and I, equally deserving of care and support, finds oneself incapable to ask!

Imagine their state of being…

Buried in the swamp of vulnerability and self-doubt, haunted by thoughts like

“Am I asking too much?”

“Am I bothering them again?”

“Am I being a burden?”

“Am I not strong enough”

 

People are not always stubborn. They might still be fighting a battle that passed long ago. They might be suffering alone!

This post is my attempt to help people like my mother, reflect on themselves.

I want to ask- If your friend comes to you with their problem asking for help, how would you feel?

I am certain that you would love to lend a hand. You would feel useful, needed, trusted. Isn’t it a wonderful feeling?

Then why would you deprive your friends of this wonderful feeling?

All humans need some kind of support.

It is OKAY to ask for help.

Give people the honor of being there for you!

 

Reference:

 

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